english — Смех и Юмор

Dirty Jokes.

news — Tue, 03 Jul 2018 19:08:12 +0000

Q: How do they say "fuck you" in Los Angeles?
A: Trust me.

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Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.
*******

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

*******
Rabbit Running
A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, "Don't do that. Come running with me. It's much more fun!" The deer takes off with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. "Come running with us, elephant," says the rabbit. "You'll feel so good!" The elephant decides to join in the fun. The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion knocks it unconscious. The deer screams, "Lion, what are you doing? He's trying to help us!" The lion answers, "The fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!"

https://olindom.livejournal.com/563055.html

Jokes d’jour.

news — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 11:08:27 +0000

Romantic relationships can actually be represented in algebra. You for example, have definitely at some point looked at your X and asked yourself Y.
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I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant. With checkered table cloths. It took him maybe half an hour to pass the salt.
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I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…
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Moses was leading his people across the dessert to the promised land for 40 years. This was possibly the start of the saying that men refuse to stop and ask for directions.
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I’ll never buy a vacuum cleaner. It would only just gather dust.
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Time is money. Therefore, ATMs are time machines.
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How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.
How Long is a Chinese name.
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College is really just kidnapping done backwards. If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back.
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A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.
***
Tomato is a fruit, right? Does that make ketchup a smoothie?

https://olindom.livejournal.com/414662.html

Jokes d’jour.

news — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 11:08:38 +0000

I met two guys wearing matching clothing. So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me.
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I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once till now.
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Condoms don’t equal safe sex. Her husband found us and things got anything but safe
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The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good, nor old.
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A cannibal came home late to family dinner. He got the cold shoulder.
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A magician was driving down the road and turned into a shopping mall.
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I do say no to drugs. It’s just they’re not so good at listening.
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How to make a hot dog stand?

Take its chair away.
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You can’t fire me! Slaves can only be sold!!
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If you forget to pay for exorcism, will you get repossessed?Future. The time you’ll wish you’d done more in the current present.
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I kept trying to feed money into the change machine yesterday, but nothing changed!
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I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”
***
That awkward moment when you enthusiastically try to tickle somebody who isn’t ticklish.

https://olindom.livejournal.com/413888.html

Jokes today.

news — Fri, 22 Sep 2017 15:08:18 +0000

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don't stop"
***
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran infront of the bus?
A: He got tired
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Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
***
Flaslight.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
***

Blowjobs For Money
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

https://olindom.livejournal.com/410210.html

english — Смех и Юмор

Dirty Jokes.

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Jokes d’jour.

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